There’s such sadness in that word.
I remember the day I realized our life was about to change, in a BIG way.
I dreamed of all the miracles that were ahead and felt indescribable joy!
I was filled with excitement, already in love with our baby.
Then… the unthinkable happened.
Heart broken, I realized that my dreams were lost. Helpless, my world came crashing down. My babies left before I had a chance to hold them in my arms.
My husband and I have had five miscarriages. Its such a lonely experience and in my pain I kept quiet as many do by the common thought to not reveal your pregnancy until you’ve safely past the first trimester.
It’s a commonly known fact that one in four pregnancies ends with miscarriage, usually before three months, this allows a woman to keep her secret.
While there are many cultures who honor the baby who passes before birth, some carry out rituals, others have baby-naming ceremonies, sadly our culture does nothing. This just adds to the emotional and psychological grief that a woman experiences. Strangely, it makes sense, if you tell no one of your pregnancy then there’s no one to know of your heartache.
What are you to do when you’re all alone in your sadness? How was I to react when the comments of misguided love came my way. “It wasn’t meant to be” or “Not to worry, you’ll have another.”
For years I wondered who I was as a woman who had had multiple miscarriages, yet never was blessed to be a mother. What do you say when people ask “How many kids do you have?”
I felt so much shame in having to give an answer. It was easier to keep silent and hide in grief and loneliness.
None of these emotions can help heal.
There is no joy in the depths of this pain.
After years of holding the shame close to my heart, I finally realized I was no longer going to live like this. By no fault of my own did I lose my babies, I was finally ready to make peace with my loss. Miscarriage does not define me. I am so much more than that.
I became aware of who I had allowed myself to become and consciously made the decision to allow my heart to heal. My morning rituals of meditation, journaling and energy healing created space inside my heart for those raw emotions to rise to the surface. I began to feel a deep sense of healing and with the support of a dear friend who was able to ask the questions that I’ve been longing for someone to ask, she helped me to express my feelings in a new way, with this came blissful, soulful peace.
I will never forget my little ones; they will always have a special place in my heart.
In loving memory
Check out www.traceyswainson.com for your 5 Steps to Begin Healing your Heartache & Make Peace with your Pregnancy Loss!