It’s that magical time of year.
Bright, colorful lights;
Family gatherings around tables of our favourite food;
Twinkling eyes of children, waiting in anticipation for their favorite jolly guy in his bright red suit;
And a new hope for what might come in the New Year!
Yet for you, your heart may feel broken, maybe tears are welling up in your eyes.
If your still in pain after having lost a pregnancy, this time of year can be particularly lonely. You feel empty inside and the joy of others might make you want to crawl under the covers until the New Year.
- Give yourself Permission
Holiday gatherings can be overwhelming with well-intentioned, somewhat misguided comments from loving family or being in close proximity to pregnant friends and small children. At times like this, give yourself permission to excuse yourself early or politely bow out of even attending a gathering this year. Emotions after a pregnancy loss can run high and these settings may just add to your levels of stress. At the same time, a change of scenery can help lift your spirits, so listen to your heart and follow its lead.
I know, I know. You hear this so much that you’re thinking, Pulleassse! My heart might feels so numb and broken, how can I possibly feel grateful?! I get it, yet the reality is, choosing gratitude will lift your spirits and at the same time, it helps you to see the little miracles around you. Just simply going through the motions of gratitude, sparks some simple changes, even without your awareness. A simple smile, a warm hug, a thank you. Just give it a try, before you get out of bed in the morning and before your eyes close at night, think of three things your grateful for. You can write them down or say them out loud but do this for 10 days and see how your list begins to grow.
- Light a Candle
There’s something so peaceful about lighting a candle and no one else needs to know the purpose of it, if you don’t want to share it with them. On the eve of your holiday, light a candle in remembrance. As the wick begins to burn, set the intention that you are holding space for your baby and the healing of your broken dreams, as you send out your love to your little one. There’s something very comforting about this and you can even do it as you sit down for your family dinner, knowing that you are sending blessings out to all you love.
- Hold a Ceremony
This is a beautiful time of year to hold a ceremony of any kind but especially for your baby. If you have family or friends that are aware of your loss, use this time to have your nearest and dearest support you. Choose a space that feels safe for you, physically, mentally and emotionally. Make it sacred.
Have everyone bring a candle that you can each light to honor your baby. You could ask someone to read a poem or you could write a letter to your little one. Whether you read it out loud or lay it near your circle of candles, just do what’s right for you.
This is a time of remembering, of honoring and releasing. You may want to say a prayer or choose a special blessing. Just know that this is all for you, trust what feels right.
When you’re ready, you could plant your letter under a special tree or flower or even burn it and release it to the heavens.
In closing, ask those who gathered with you to write a message of hope. Each message could then be tied with a ribbon to your tree or placed in a special box for you to read in your own time.
Distinguish your candles and thank everyone for all they brought to your space.
I hope you found this helpful.
If you’d like to know more about what I do and how I can support you, you can find me here.
Pregnancy loss Is HARD. Losing a child before you have a chance to hold them in your arms or in the very early stages of their life.
There is nothing that I’ve experienced in this lifetime that has affected me more emotionally, mentally or spiritually than the loss of my pregnancies. Coming to terms with my inability to have my own children was a very long journey for me.
Each of my pregnancy losses were heart-breaking and yet it was the catalyst for my own personal healing and my desire to guide women on their own healing quest.
My commitment to healing emotionally brought me to a place of learning to be vulnerable enough to look deeply into my heartache. I had to be willing to allow feelings, long buried, to surface. Emotions that I pushed down so deeply that I could almost tell myself “it doesn’t matter any more,” … until it did.
Those feelings kept coming back to me, lurking in the shadows of my mind. Then, something would spark a memory and it all would come flooding back once again.
This is how I felt with each pregnancy loss. Time continued ticking by and with each loss I pushed my sadness, shame and a myriad of other emotions down deep. Maybe if I kept pushing them farther down, they would eventually just disappear.
Until someone asked “how many children do I have?” Or I saw a child in the playground that is the same age that mine would be and I would wonder what life would be like if my babies were all here now.
Each little trigger would bring up the negative self-talk, a reminder that maybe I’m less of a woman than another who can have children so easily, or maybe I wouldn’t be accepted by women who are blessed enough to have a child.
By holding on to my emotional pain and all the negative crap, I just created a divide between myself and everyone else around me. I saw myself as less than, not worthy of having all the blessings that life could offer me.
See how this works? Until I was brave enough to look my insecurities straight in the face, to see it for all it was and understand that it wasn’t serving my best interest in any way at all, I just remained stuck. Literally like a stick in the mud, I wasn’t going anywhere.
I learned how to hide my sadness and fears but it would absolutely come back to haunt me. It wasn’t until I completely surrendered to it all, that I found the strength to finally let it go.
When I finally began to talk to other women and learned that many of our feelings and experiences were similar, I learned wasn’t alone.
I finally decided to commit to my own healing.
I learned to build myself back up through journaling, meditation, energy healing, physical exercise and digging deep for the courage that was there all along.
She was waiting for me to rise up. Waiting for me to let go of the negative emotions that forever dragged me down.
Courage, she lifted me from the mud and placed me on a new path. A path of peace and pure joy.
Would you like to have support and guidance through your healing process?
Healing through Acceptance is a process…
We seldom consider the experience that our heart, mind and body must go through to reach this place of acceptance, to allow our experience to process in area of our life, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.
Healing is a time of transformation; as we release the dreams, heartache and sorrow to make room for something new.
In order to heal, we must be willing to release and more often then not, there is a breakdown before there is breakthrough. In my experience, I’ve noticed that the journey to healing comes in waves.
Just when you feel like you finally have control, that you’ve fully accepted your circumstances and all is smooth sailing, along comes a rogue wave that sends you crashing to the depths, feeling the pain all over again!
It took me years to find peace with the loss of my pregnancies. There were times that I felt like it was all water under the bridge, and then I would see children the age that mine would be, walking to school, riding bikes, just living life and the wave would wash over me once again. Bringing up all the emotions long buried, feeling the heartache all over again.
It wasn’t until I finally became aware that I hadn’t truly accepted the fact that I was not going to be a mother, that this lifetime would pass me by without having the opportunity to experience all that motherhood entailed, did I finally genuinely embrace the courage to release my heartache.
What I’ve found with healing, is that the memory never leaves;
The sadness is always a small undercurrent of emotion, I still shed tears and feel the emptiness at times; but with acceptance comes peace and slowly a transformation takes place.
Let your heart be your guide. It knows what’s best for you.
- Be sure to give your body rest, to nourish it with nutritious food and strengthen it with exercise.
- Create some space for joy!
- Share your story in whatever way you can, as speaking of your loss brings healing.
- If you have no one to share with, then write. Pour your heart and soul into writing, and amazing soulful healing take place within your heart.
It’s been 16 years now since my first miscarriage, with several others to follow and though at times the sadness is still felt in my heart and the tears still flow, I now hold it in a different space.
Where in the past, I felt such shame and heartache, I now have an appreciation for the life that I have and for the people I share my life with. I find new ways to be grateful.
My hope is that in being open with my journey, that it will allow you to find peace with yours.
Every woman who heals herself, heals all the women who came before her and all the women who come after her. – Dr. Christine Northrup
Photo Credit: Antonina Bukowska
There’s such sadness in that word.
I remember the day I realized our life was about to change, in a BIG way.
I dreamed of all the miracles that were ahead and felt indescribable joy!
I was filled with excitement, already in love with our baby.
Then… the unthinkable happened.
Heart broken, I realized that my dreams were lost. Helpless, my world came crashing down. My babies left before I had a chance to hold them in my arms.
My husband and I have had five miscarriages. Its such a lonely experience and in my pain I kept quiet as many do by the common thought to not reveal your pregnancy until you’ve safely past the first trimester.
It’s a commonly known fact that one in four pregnancies ends with miscarriage, usually before three months, this allows a woman to keep her secret.
While there are many cultures who honor the baby who passes before birth, some carry out rituals, others have baby-naming ceremonies, sadly our culture does nothing. This just adds to the emotional and psychological grief that a woman experiences. Strangely, it makes sense, if you tell no one of your pregnancy then there’s no one to know of your heartache.
What are you to do when you’re all alone in your sadness? How was I to react when the comments of misguided love came my way. “It wasn’t meant to be” or “Not to worry, you’ll have another.”
For years I wondered who I was as a woman who had had multiple miscarriages, yet never was blessed to be a mother. What do you say when people ask “How many kids do you have?”
I felt so much shame in having to give an answer. It was easier to keep silent and hide in grief and loneliness.
None of these emotions can help heal.
There is no joy in the depths of this pain.
After years of holding on to so much shame, I finally realized I was no longer going to live like this. By no fault of my own did I lose my babies, I was finally ready to make peace with my loss. Miscarriage does not define me. I am so much more than that.
I became aware of who I had allowed myself to become and consciously made the decision to allow my heart to heal. My morning rituals of meditation, journaling and energy healing created space inside my heart for those raw emotions to rise to the surface. I began to feel a deep sense of healing and with the support of a dear friend who was able to ask the questions that I’ve been longing for someone to ask, she helped me to express my feelings in a new way, with this came blissful, soulful peace.
I will never forget my little ones; they will always have a special place in my heart.
In loving memory.
If you are ready to heal your heartache of pregnancy loss at a deep soul level, if you’re tired of carrying the weight of sadness and need to speak with someone who has been where you are, I invite you to experience this Journey of Sacred Love Healing.
This is a 1:1 Intensive Session that offers soul work, intuitive guidance and energy healing, creating a container for you to feel seen, heard, held and understood, so that you are able to heal your pain of loss and begin to feel a new sense of peace.