It’s that magical time of year.
Bright, colorful lights;
Family gatherings around tables of our favourite food;
Twinkling eyes of children, waiting in anticipation for their favorite jolly guy in his bright red suit;
And a new hope for what might come in the New Year!
Yet for you, your heart may feel broken, maybe tears are welling up in your eyes.
If your still in pain after having lost a pregnancy, this time of year can be particularly lonely. You feel empty inside and the joy of others might make you want to crawl under the covers until the New Year.
- Give yourself Permission
Holiday gatherings can be overwhelming with well-intentioned, somewhat misguided comments from loving family or being in close proximity to pregnant friends and small children. At times like this, give yourself permission to excuse yourself early or politely bow out of even attending a gathering this year. Emotions after a pregnancy loss can run high and these settings may just add to your levels of stress. At the same time, a change of scenery can help lift your spirits, so listen to your heart and follow its lead.
I know, I know. You hear this so much that you’re thinking, Pulleassse! My heart might feels so numb and broken, how can I possibly feel grateful?! I get it, yet the reality is, choosing gratitude will lift your spirits and at the same time, it helps you to see the little miracles around you. Just simply going through the motions of gratitude, sparks some simple changes, even without your awareness. A simple smile, a warm hug, a thank you. Just give it a try, before you get out of bed in the morning and before your eyes close at night, think of three things your grateful for. You can write them down or say them out loud but do this for 10 days and see how your list begins to grow.
- Light a Candle
There’s something so peaceful about lighting a candle and no one else needs to know the purpose of it, if you don’t want to share it with them. On the eve of your holiday, light a candle in remembrance. As the wick begins to burn, set the intention that you are holding space for your baby and the healing of your broken dreams, as you send out your love to your little one. There’s something very comforting about this and you can even do it as you sit down for your family dinner, knowing that you are sending blessings out to all you love.
- Hold a Ceremony
This is a beautiful time of year to hold a ceremony of any kind but especially for your baby. If you have family or friends that are aware of your loss, use this time to have your nearest and dearest support you. Choose a space that feels safe for you, physically, mentally and emotionally. Make it sacred.
Have everyone bring a candle that you can each light to honor your baby. You could ask someone to read a poem or you could write a letter to your little one. Whether you read it out loud or lay it near your circle of candles, just do what’s right for you.
This is a time of remembering, of honoring and releasing. You may want to say a prayer or choose a special blessing. Just know that this is all for you, trust what feels right.
When you’re ready, you could plant your letter under a special tree or flower or even burn it and release it to the heavens.
In closing, ask those who gathered with you to write a message of hope. Each message could then be tied with a ribbon to your tree or placed in a special box for you to read in your own time.
Distinguish your candles and thank everyone for all they brought to your space.
I hope you found this helpful.
If you’d like to know more about what I do and how I can support you, you can find me here.
I had a beautiful conversation with a client, speaking of her fear of death since having had several miscarriages.
It brought back the memory of my own fears that I once struggled with.
This is something that increasingly haunted me with the loss of my babies. I had become so fearful of the loss of my family members and fur-babies that I never wanted to speak of my fear, for fear of making it a reality!
I knew this was no way to live, but I didn’t know how to cope with my fears.
When I finally learned that its very common for women who have experienced multiple losses to feel this strong fear of death, I actually felt some relief.
Its natural to feel this way after loss as we become so much more aware of just how fragile life is.
So, if this is you, please know you’re not alone!
So, what can you do?
- First of all, if this is a new experience for you, the feelings may gradually fade away in time.
- Recognize you fears – take a moment and really feel into that space. Where are you feeling this? What does it feel like? Where is this particular feeling coming from? By taking a moment to be truthful with how you feel and why, you can begin to rationalize exactly why this is coming up at this moment in time and begin to accept them.
- Speak your fear out loud – By speaking your fear and identifying why its there, it gives you a new sense of freedom. By acknowledging your fears you begin to take back your power.
- Call on your Angels – Your angels are ready and willing to support you, they’re just waiting for you to ask. Call on your angels and ask them to surround you or your loved one with a protective bubble of love and light. When you ask, don’t do this from a place of fear but of thankfulness.
- Gratitude – Create a habit of being grateful for each moment of your day. Whether you start your day or finish it with gratitude, a grateful heart lets you see what you have right now, in this moment and can help to dissolve the fears before they arise.
The intention here is that death is inevitable for all of us, yet we can learn to enjoy our life again to the fullest and experience all of the love, peace and joy that we desire.
Pregnancy loss Is HARD. Losing a child before you have a chance to hold them in your arms or in the very early stages of their life.
There is nothing that I’ve experienced in this lifetime that has affected me more emotionally, mentally or spiritually than the loss of my pregnancies. Coming to terms with my inability to have my own children was a very long journey for me.
Each of my pregnancy losses were heart-breaking and yet it was the catalyst for my own personal healing and my desire to guide women on their own healing quest.
My commitment to healing emotionally brought me to a place of learning to be vulnerable enough to look deeply into my heartache. I had to be willing to allow feelings, long buried, to surface. Emotions that I pushed down so deeply that I could almost tell myself “it doesn’t matter any more,” … until it did.
Those feelings kept coming back to me, lurking in the shadows of my mind. Then, something would spark a memory and it all would come flooding back once again.
This is how I felt with each pregnancy loss. Time continued ticking by and with each loss I pushed my sadness, shame and a myriad of other emotions down deep. Maybe if I kept pushing them farther down, they would eventually just disappear.
Until someone asked “how many children do I have?” Or I saw a child in the playground that is the same age that mine would be and I would wonder what life would be like if my babies were all here now.
Each little trigger would bring up the negative self-talk, a reminder that maybe I’m less of a woman than another who can have children so easily, or maybe I wouldn’t be accepted by women who are blessed enough to have a child.
By holding on to my emotional pain and all the negative crap, I just created a divide between myself and everyone else around me. I saw myself as less than, not worthy of having all the blessings that life could offer me.
See how this works? Until I was brave enough to look my insecurities straight in the face, to see it for all it was and understand that it wasn’t serving my best interest in any way at all, I just remained stuck. Literally like a stick in the mud, I wasn’t going anywhere.
I learned how to hide my sadness and fears but it would absolutely come back to haunt me. It wasn’t until I completely surrendered to it all, that I found the strength to finally let it go.
When I finally began to talk to other women and learned that many of our feelings and experiences were similar, I learned wasn’t alone.
I finally decided to commit to my own healing.
I learned to build myself back up through journaling, meditation, energy healing, physical exercise and digging deep for the courage that was there all along.
She was waiting for me to rise up. Waiting for me to let go of the negative emotions that forever dragged me down.
Courage, she lifted me from the mud and placed me on a new path. A path of peace and pure joy.
Would you like to have support and guidance through your healing process?
Healing through Acceptance is a process…
We seldom consider the experience that our heart, mind and body must go through to reach this place of acceptance, to allow our experience to process in area of our life, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.
Healing is a time of transformation; as we release the dreams, heartache and sorrow to make room for something new.
In order to heal, we must be willing to release and more often then not, there is a breakdown before there is breakthrough. In my experience, I’ve noticed that the journey to healing comes in waves.
Just when you feel like you finally have control, that you’ve fully accepted your circumstances and all is smooth sailing, along comes a rogue wave that sends you crashing to the depths, feeling the pain all over again!
It took me years to find peace with the loss of my pregnancies. There were times that I felt like it was all water under the bridge, and then I would see children the age that mine would be, walking to school, riding bikes, just living life and the wave would wash over me once again. Bringing up all the emotions long buried, feeling the heartache all over again.
It wasn’t until I finally became aware that I hadn’t truly accepted the fact that I was not going to be a mother, that this lifetime would pass me by without having the opportunity to experience all that motherhood entailed, did I finally genuinely embrace the courage to release my heartache.
What I’ve found with healing, is that the memory never leaves;
The sadness is always a small undercurrent of emotion, I still shed tears and feel the emptiness at times; but with acceptance comes peace and slowly a transformation takes place.
Let your heart be your guide. It knows what’s best for you.
- Be sure to give your body rest, to nourish it with nutritious food and strengthen it with exercise.
- Create some space for joy!
- Share your story in whatever way you can, as speaking of your loss brings healing.
- If you have no one to share with, then write. Pour your heart and soul into writing, and amazing soulful healing take place within your heart.
It’s been 16 years now since my first miscarriage, with several others to follow and though at times the sadness is still felt in my heart and the tears still flow, I now hold it in a different space.
Where in the past, I felt such shame and heartache, I now have an appreciation for the life that I have and for the people I share my life with. I find new ways to be grateful.
My hope is that in being open with my journey, that it will allow you to find peace with yours.
Every woman who heals herself, heals all the women who came before her and all the women who come after her. – Dr. Christine Northrup
Photo Credit: Antonina Bukowska
What does it mean to heal?
- (of a person or treatment) cause (a wound, injury, or person) to become sound or healthy again.
- To make or become well again.
I am passionate about helping women heal their stories.
When a woman heals her own heart, she not only heals her story but that of her mother, her grandmothers, her ancestors and all her daughters yet to come. Her whole world receives the blessing of this healing.
The journey through self-healing is not an easy road; it asks of you to connect with your shadow self, to view it through the lens of love and light. It can bring up painful memories of the past, memories long buried. Yet by shining love into those dark spaces you allow for personal healing to begin. This takes so much courage and not everyone is able to go there.
What are you ready to heal?
The heartache of a lost baby, born or unborn? The story of your past?
Words spoken that hurt so deeply you can still feel the pain today? Actions of others that have left an imprint on your heart and soul?
All of these are like shackles that keep you from living the life of your dreams; they hold you down, they hold you back. Keeping you in the past.
I’ve been there. I understand the heartache. I also know how freeing it can be to make that decision to heal your past, to release the pain.
I honor the journey that you’re taking, I know the courage that lies within you;
As you begin this healing journey, know this…
You already have everything within you that you need to heal.
Support your inner healing and personal growth with sacred self-care.
And remember, the strength of all those sisters who came before you; most did the best they could with what they knew and the spirit within them, also lies within you.
You are an amazing, courageous woman, you have within you the power to change your world.
When one woman heals, magic happens!
- Her heart is filled with compassion;
- Peace lights her soul;
- Inner darkness transforms into light;
- Gratitude now lights her way;
- Feelings of emptiness make room for new purpose;
- Her healing creates a foundation of inner strength that cannot be broken.
Every woman who heals herself, heals all the women who came before her and all the women who come after her. – Dr. Christine Northrup