Pregnancy loss Is HARD. Losing a child before you have a chance to hold them in your arms or in the very early stages of their life.
There is nothing that I’ve experienced in this lifetime that has affected me more emotionally, mentally or spiritually than the loss of my pregnancies. Coming to terms with my inability to have my own children was a very long journey for me.
Each of my pregnancy losses were heart-breaking and yet it was the catalyst for my own personal healing and my desire to guide women on their own healing quest.
My commitment to healing emotionally brought me to a place of learning to be vulnerable enough to look deeply into my heartache. I had to be willing to allow feelings, long buried, to surface. Emotions that I pushed down so deeply that I could almost tell myself “it doesn’t matter any more,” … until it did.
Those feelings kept coming back to me, lurking in the shadows of my mind. Then, something would spark a memory and it all would come flooding back once again.
This is how I felt with each pregnancy loss. Time continued ticking by and with each loss I pushed my sadness, shame and a myriad of other emotions down deep. Maybe if I kept pushing them farther down, they would eventually just disappear.
Until someone asked “how many children do I have?” Or I saw a child in the playground that is the same age that mine would be and I would wonder what life would be like if my babies were all here now.
Each little trigger would bring up the negative self-talk, a reminder that maybe I’m less of a woman than another who can have children so easily, or maybe I wouldn’t be accepted by women who are blessed enough to have a child.
By holding on to my emotional pain and all the negative crap, I just created a divide between myself and everyone else around me. I saw myself as less than, not worthy of having all the blessings that life could offer me.
See how this works? Until I was brave enough to look my insecurities straight in the face, to see it for all it was and understand that it wasn’t serving my best interest in any way at all, I just remained stuck. Literally like a stick in the mud, I wasn’t going anywhere.
I learned how to hide my sadness and fears but it would absolutely come back to haunt me. It wasn’t until I completely surrendered to it all, that I found the strength to finally let it go.
When I finally began to talk to other women and learned that many of our feelings and experiences were similar, I learned wasn’t alone.
I finally decided to commit to my own healing.
I learned to build myself back up through journaling, meditation, energy healing, physical exercise and digging deep for the courage that was there all along.
She was waiting for me to rise up. Waiting for me to let go of the negative emotions that forever dragged me down.
Courage, she lifted me from the mud and placed me on a new path. A path of peace and pure joy.